Sunday, January 20, 2008

Through the year.............

Sunday, January 20th marked one year since John went to be with Christ. I can't believe it's already been one year. It seams like so long ago and yet it feels like he was just here yesterday. Weird. This year has been filled with tears, grief, memories, blessings, love, sadness, happiness, gratefulness, anger, questioning, grace, new adventures, adjustments, life changes, answers, self explorations, strength, weakness, new family roles and so much more I can't even think of. I've been asked so many questions about this year and how I have dealt with John's death. First of all I think that so many of you are so much stronger then you give yourselves credit for. God is amazing and gives you the strength to move forward with life. When you have young kids you don't really have a choice - you don't want your kids to hurt so you do everything you can to make them not feel any pain. Of course they do, and even though it's healthy, it has been one of the hardest parts of this year.

For me personally, getting into my empty bed every night has probably been the toughest - that's when I feel lonely. I miss him a lot. Sometimes I don't feel whole. But finding out who I am again has been eye opening. God has showed me a lot of things that I didn't know about myself or that I had forgotten. That is empowering! (that sounds so Oprah!)

The greatest thing about this year has been - being loved. You don't always appreciate how many people care about you until they come together and shower you with love, prayers and concern. I hope I can be as good of daughter, sister, niece, cousin, granddaughter, and friend that you all have been to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
This weekend we just spent time together at the cabin. It was exactly what we needed. We watched the DVD of John's life together - we laughed and we cried. The little ones played outside in the snow, we did our usual trip to KMART (the only store in town), cooked, played lots of cards, watched some good movies, read, and just enjoyed being together. This was what John loved to do and loved about the cabin!
(yes that is Toby on Mandy's lap....)

go Ash!! Karyn are you okay?????
I'm glad that this year is done and all the "first" are over. Now I guess we work on battling the "seconds" and whatever the new year has to bring. God has been faithful and I know that "I can do all things through him who gives me strength!"


Cathi Hamen said...

hey who invited the snow elf????

Kelly said...

WOW! You are an amazing woman. Your strength through such a difficult time is so encouraging to me. So many times I think "What if...", but you're right!!! God gives you exactly the strength you need.

Thanks you for sharing.

Kelly said...

P.S. Your husband has the same birthday as my son! March 5.

Kristen said...

Whew - i have to clear my tears to type. I don't even know what to say. I am glad that you found God in the times of struggle and looked to Him for strength.

I spent part of the day yesterday with a friend whose newborn daughter had passed away 4 years ago (yesterday was the anniversary of her passing). She has struggled for many years and I think she is finally letting God give her strength to get through. There is nothing easy about it.

I am amazed by your faith, your strength, your outlook -thank you for sharing your heart and your story.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you all were able to go to the cabin. I wish I was there. You and your family are amazing. I know it's been difficult but through it all you've all been amazing.
love you,

Anonymous said...

WOW!!!!! You have amazing strength. I also had to clear my tears to type. Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts. I am glad you have found strength in you to get your family through this last year.

All my love and prayers

lindsey cheney said...

i'm so glad you have the cabin to retreat to. as always, i love your perspective and focus. and, of course, i love YOU!